Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Each time she roams, Chicago is calling her home.

 What else do you do when your sister announces she'll be moving halfway across the county in a week (!!)?  You invite her friends out to treat her to dinner and get roaring drunk and sappy and think about how much you'll miss her and try your hardest not to cry, of course!

A bunch of us got together at Osha Thai and had way too many (but just enough) cocktails and tried to ignore that fact that soon this group of people will be spread out over a pretty big map.

I don't know if you've noticed but I kind of love my sister a lot.  She's keeps me sane on those off days when I feel like just running off to a place where no one's forced to be "responsible", whatever that means.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when she leaves, but I know I'll be crying like a baby when her plane flies off into the sunset.  Or away from the sunset, rather, since she's headed east.  Whatever, the fact remains I'll miss her and I plan on bothering her on Skype a lot, just like in the old days when we lived in separate countries/continents.

Chicago, you better take care of her!  She's a Californian and therefore much cooler than you just by birthright, so watch yourself.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Dear Muni, We're Done.


Dear Muni,

I was an hour late to work today and was forced to take a $35 Uber ride to work.  The other day, you held me for ransom in the tunnel for 45 minutes (the price being my dignity, if my stress-induced B.O. was any indication), when all I really needed to do was shop and get my eyebrows threaded, dammit!  And last week there was something about a "medical emergency" and I had to take a $25 Lyft home instead.

Your trolley cars are adorbs, sure, but you show up late to everything, you never want to stay out past 1am, sometimes your tunnels smell like rancid flesh during low tide, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear if you're harboring over a dozen fatal diseases.

We're so over.

xoxo,
Leith*

*Just kidding I take it back don't leave me!  If you would just make more of an effort to be dependable in this relationship, I promise I'll wear that tight black dress that you like.  Yes, that dress.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Ballet

What do you do when your sister announces that she's moving halfway across the country in two weeks?!  Why, you spoil her to every nice thing in the city in a desperate attempt to get her to stay, of course!  Because you always only do the nice things right before someone's about to move away for good.  Isn't that always the way?  And then you say, "We should have done this more often."

For instance, the ballet.  On a Tuesday.  Because we're damn classy broads.


My sister and I both seethed with jealousy and were completely awed at how well the ballerinas split their legs in the air while doing pirouettes at the same time.  I kid you not.  And then we both decided we hate them all.  Because really, they have such an unfair advantage already.

My sister and I were ballerinas once upon a time, did you know that?  Way back when my legs used to have muscle mass.  Gross.  Here's a picture of me on the stage back in the day.


If Balanchine had still been alive, he would have recognized my unquestionable talent and grace.  Alas, life is unfair sometimes, and he died two years before I was born.

Next on the agenda?  Luxurious dinners on the waterfront, walks through Golden Gate Park, and a midnight kidnapping to make sure Zoe stays put.  Don't tell.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Anatomy of a Love Letter

What with Valentine's Day coming up, I thought this would be as good a time as any to give you all a little tutorial on how to write a truly romantic love letter.

Not only have my past dalliances in the wild world of romance blessed me with some pretty fine letters* I plan on showing to my kids one day (yes, kids, your mom was hot and everyone wanted her.  No, really!), but I'm one of the last people in the world under 65 years old who actually puts pen to paper, has addresses saved in a little black book, and actually takes the time to put stamps on things.  So basically everything I say on the subject is sacrosanct.  Remember that.

This lesson is directed towards writing a love letter to a woman, but really with some minor tweaking, the possibilities are endless.

In order to start, let's take a look at one of the most famous love letters out there, that of Ludwig von Beethoven's love letter to Josephine Brunswik:

"My angel, my all, my very self
We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life -
If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these.
My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all.
Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours.
Ah, wherever I am, there you are also
Much as you love me - I love you more
Oh God - so near! so far!
Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?
my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -
I can live only wholly with you or not at all
No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell.
Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
Your faithful Ludwig"

Ok, that letter's all right considering it was written before autocorrect.  Really, though, let's see if we can't make this even better, shall we?

First off, the greeting.  "My angel, my all, my very self."  Really?  Is that what you've got?  You don't want to make anyone more narcissistic than they already are.  Especially if she's a countess.

Better off changing it to "Hey, gurl."  Succinct, to the point, and you're acknowledging that you're perfectly aware she's got female anatomy, but in a unique way because you're switching out the "i" for a "u".  No one's ever done that before.  It will be your signature opening line.

Ok, now we have that taken care of, onto the next:

"We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life -
If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these."

Ok, everyone.  Ever heard the line, "Brevity is the soul of wit?"  Shakespeare said that, apparently.  Which is ironic because his plays last for days.  But the sentiment is still true.  Why use 20 words, when three words will do?  That being said, here's what Beethoven should have written:

"We haven't seen each other in a hot minute.  I've got a lot to tell you.  If you came over more, we wouldn't have this problem."

Lookin' good so far, ladies and gentleman.

"My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all."

Ok, didn't he already cover the fact that he's got lots he wants to tell her?  This is just repetition, and your lover has got things to do.  Here's what this part should look like:

My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all .

Much better.

"Cheer up Don't be sadz - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. You're not seeing anyone else, are you?  Because I'm not.
Ah, wherever I am, there you are also
Much as you love me - I love you more."

Ladies love the lolcatz speak, so it's always good to sprinkle a little in here and there, hence the "Don't be sadz."  Adorable.  And now you've got her thinking of a cute, fuzzy kitten.  Two birds.  One stone.  Someone's getting lucky tonight.  

You could finish the letter right here, but if you're really going for gold (in the spirit of the Olympics), you can subtly hint that you'd like to be "exclusive."  That's gonna be music to her ears.

But you don't want to make her think you're too into her.  I mean, got to keep her guessing, amiright?  Best leave out that you're thinking about her all the time.  Don't want to pile it on too heavy.  But the whole "I love you!", "I love you more!" theme seems to be a healthy competition between mature adults that's survived the centuries.  You can leave that in there.

"Oh God - so near! so far!
Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven? 
my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - "

Religion's a tricky business.  I mean, she could be atheist, or Buddhist, or polytheist.  And if you bring up religion now, it's only a matter of time before she's asking you whether or not you'll baptize the kids as Catholics, only you didn't even know she ever went to church.  Best leave the God stuff out of it.  Ditto anything to do with immortality.  Safer for everyone that way.  In the spirit of political correctness, at the very least.

"I can live only wholly with you or not at all
No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -"

Ok, Beethoven, calm yourself.  No one ever believes the sappy "if you leave me, I'll kill myself!" line.  Really, that sentiment warrants intense therapy, when what you really want is to lure her to the bedroom.  Best go with the more subtle - yet true - "Out of all the girls I saw on OkCupid, you're the one who stood out the most.  And not just because of your hot pics, but because of your personality profile, too."

She'll appreciate your unbridled honesty.  Trust me.

"Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -"

Again with the God stuff?  Leave that for the Thanksgiving table, where it belongs.  Deleted.

"Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell."

Ah-ha!  So now we're getting down to the pit of it.  Not only is this a love letter, it's a goodbye letter.  Good to know.  Then again, this day and age things are always a bit up in the air.  Best never to say goodbye, because who knows, maybe you'll want to hit her up again sometime.  Keep your options open with something more like this:

"I'm going to be pretty busy, and there's not much cell service where I'll be.  Don't freak out, though.  I'll text you when I can."

Nailed it.

"Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"

Begging to be loved?  Where are your cajones, man?  Best tone it down a notch:

"Don't be mad if you don't hear from me, ok?  You know I'm thinking of you. Because 
you
my
boo."

Poetic enough without going overboard.  And you've added her pet name in there.  She'll love that.

Now, for your signature send-off:

"Your faithful Ludwig"

Seems even back in the day, men liked to remind women they had never been untrue.  Comendable, but faithful can be an ambivalent sort of word.  Better make it clear.  And no one uses their real name anymore.  Who has time to write out all those letters?  Best to come up with a catchy nickname, and for a musician with a name like Beethoven, I can't think of anything more clever than "Beets".  Don't ask why, but this nickname makes you sound sexier.

"I've never cheated on you,
Beets"

And now, to tie it all together:

"Hey, gurl,

We haven't seen each other in a hot minute.  I've got a lot to tell you.  If you came over more, we wouldn't have this problem.

Don't be sadz.  You're not seeing anyone else, are you?  Because I'm not.
Much as you love me - I love you more.

Out of all the girls I saw on OkCupid, you're the one who stood out the most.  And not just because of your hot pics, but because of your personality profile, too.

I'm going to be pretty busy, and there's not much cell service where I'll be.  Don't freak out, though.  I'll text you when I can.

Don't be mad if you don't hear from me, ok?  You know I'm thinking of you. Because 
you
my
boo.

I've never cheated on you,
Beets"


Now that's poetry.  And with that, we've written the most romantic letter you're going to see this side of the 21st century.  Feel free to copy and distribute at-will.  You don't even have to give me credit.

Happy Valentine's Day, lovers!

*All of my letters, thank you men in my life, have been a billion times more romantic than this.  Trust me.  I'm just poking a little fun.